Wednesday, January 08, 2014

Becoming Adults

A book I read a long time ago is called There Are No Children Here.  I'm fuzzy on the details, but it's about a rough neighborhood in Chicago, I believe, and the title comes from a mother who says that there are no children here - and goes on to explain how people who have seen and experienced the violence that her kids have aren't children anymore because you can't experience that and still be a child.

I see this with kids and teenagers in Oakland, a lot.  When I was teaching this was really obvious.  A six-year old told me once that he had to walk his five-year old brother home because "My mama says I'm grown now."  other kids were being raised by their older siblings or older cousins, who should have been in college, figuring out who they were, not raising difficult young children who had been abandoned.

In my new job, I'm seeing this a lot.  Our staff is mostly made up of teenagers, and many of them are the parental figures of their families.  One is responsible for getting his younger brother and sister to and from school and the afterschool program.  One is taking her little sister to test for enrollment in private schools because she (the older sister) is dissatisfied with the education being received.  Another dresses her little sister and does her hair every morning, and makes sure the little sister eats.  Somebody else is responsible for taking care of his niece and nephew who live with him.  It goes on and on.  I've never met any of their parents, and some of these kids were 13 when they started working for us.

Today I had an extended text message conversation with one of the newer and younger staff members.  She had told me that she was failing two classes and pretty worried about it.  After work, she texted me to tell me that she wasn't sure what to do because her dad was going to be in town for one day only and he wanted her to skip school and work to see him.  She didn't think she should but she was afraid of disappointing him too.

There's no easy answers here.  It's easy to just be frustrated that she's being flaky and tell her she has to come or she's fired.  Then I take into account the fact that she's barely 14 and her dad, mom, and aunt are all telling her to skip school to see her dad.  I asked her what would happen if she missed more school.  She said she'd probably fail.  I asked her what would happen then.  She'd probably have to go to summer school.  She wants to be a nurse and she doesn't know if she can with bad grades.  We talked it through and she decided she wants to go to both school and work tomorrow but if she has a father pressuring her not to, I'm not sure if she'll still do the thing she thinks is best for her.

This particular young woman has seen violence and lost people to it.  Since I've known her (3 and a half months), she's been to two funerals for cousins who were shot.  I want her to get out of this and do what she and I both think is best, but how does she do that when she has to go against her own parents?  It's pretty discouraging all around.  I hope she can do it.


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